Scroll On

Kim Kardashian wore another revealing dress, scroll. Discover what fruit are you according to what outfit you pick, scroll. 50 kids die in Syria, scroll. Scroll, scroll and a little bit more scroll. I stare at my phone with blurry vision and tired eyes. By now, I want the sweet release of death or maybe sleep, either is welcome. But neither knocks on my almost unconscious state to grant me the pleasure of its company. I’m alone in my bed with my phone. I sometimes wonder if this is how I will die, in the shell of my own inactivity. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t want to do something it’s just that I can’t and, as I refresh my Instagram for the billionth time, I sigh at what I have become. Yet I can’t see it. This half dead person that resides inside me is going nowhere. When it didn’t resurface for a while, I had hoped, rather I had prayed that I was finally free. That, somehow, I had managed to curse it out of my body. But alas, it’s back and it feels naïve that I had thought that it was ever gone in the first place. In childhood, I used to think I was possessed. After all, I did show all the symptoms. This wasn’t me; I knew that; so it had to be someone else inside me, I told myself. Later in life, when I slowly started realizing that maybe this wasn’t something demonic but psychological instead, my hatred intensified. I was an unattractive, unproductive, uninspiring procrastinator and now, somehow, I was depressed too. Three cheers for me. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic but really I have no idea where my life is going. I have plans, big plans, for the future that I never see happening. I have a list of to-do bigger than my Facebook friend list, still I lay here scrolling. Silently letting life pass me by. Sometimes I feel like I’m on a train that I didn’t choose to be on. I’m in a cabin with no windows and I feel like I’m perfectly still but the train is still moving, faster and faster, without my knowledge. Where it goes, I do not know. But I’m on it and I can’t get off. I wonder what I’m supposed to do but I choose the ignore the existence of the train and just keep scrolling. As if my life’s problems with disappear with each scroll, as if a refresh will grant me a new life. Of how to solve this, I have not a clue. Really, there is no inspirational message at the end of this, just a random rant of an obsessive teen. 

Tag, you're it

Hiding from the pain,
I’m far away.
Under the blankets,
Under the bed,
Close my eyes and hope to god;
Maybe someday my pain will stop.

Peak-a-boo, it found you.
Covers’ lifted,
Beds’ checked.
If you live in me,
There’s no place I can hide.
You reside in me,
You are my demise. 

Maybe if I cut off a limb,
You’ll die too.
Or I’ll cut myself open
And you’ll ooze out.
Or maybe I’ll surrender,
Die,
So you can latch on to somebody else, finally.

To look for love is to lose yourself,
To lose yourself you have to know who you are.

Empty Hearts

Hearts empty,

Eyes full,

My dear lord

What are we here for?

Mind shut,

Earphones in,

My dear mom

When will the screaming stop?

Dark nights,

Lonely beds,

My dear lover

When will the pain stop?

Slashed wrists,

Cigarettes stubs,

My dear self

Why won’t you fix yourself?

Swept away

Swept away by the tide
 Just another could have been
Carried away from sight

Sinking into the deep waters
 Dissolving, disappearing
Away from the world

I’ve kissed the ocean floor
Somewhere deep and dark I reside
Away from senses away from mind

Wash away all my sins
For their weight suffocates me
Take away my self
So I can become me again

My legacy lasted just a moment
The pen dropped,
the words stopped

But I exist within you
I'll make a home their now
In your deepest thoughts,
In your heart

Whisper these words over and over
Whisper, then scream, then consume them whole
Until they scream me and shout me

Into the minds of men I will dwell forever
In their nest I’ll Grow
Until my wings can fly And fetch another prey

May my body rot in the ocean
May my being be nothing more then words
And may you never forget
 Never, never.

The Rise of Fundamentalism

Donald trump's win has led many to question the hidden sentiments of the silent majority. In fact  the unfolding of recent events -Brexit and Charleston church shooting,- raises questions on  the humanitarian facade created by the liberal governments.  This coincides with recent  terrorist attacks in Paris, Beirut, Turkey, Syria and Pakistan which indicates a rise of fundamentalist- approach towards global issues .

Following 9/11 America proclaimed a war on terror but what it and the rest of the world failed to predict was that it will be plunged into terror itself. US -openly or via proxy- intervened in the politics of other countries and then succeeded in committing one blunder after the other in Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Vietnam, Venezuela etc. The unanticipated results of such violence was massive radicalization of the public on both sides of the conflict. when ISIS rose up from the ashes of the Iraq war it brought along a new a reign of terror and shook the global community with its unorthodox approach to terrorism. Leading us to conclude that perhaps  the ones being affected the most were those who didn't hold any public office and weren't heard on the media: the common man/women. Their fear had fermented- ever since 9/11 into something almost indistinguishable and barely impalpable, until now.

This hysteria and incessant need to secure the country from arriving 'threats' is partly due to the exaggeration of media. They painted a picture of extremist Muslims who hate and will kill all liberals and infect our free homeland with their conservative ideology. Or of the super smart Asian children who'll steal jobs of the hardworking white national or maybe drug dealers from Mexico who'll sedate the youth into dysfunction. They pieced together fragments of reality to create a story that froze us all in fear, a story that would sell. All these images seem almost comic however, that was the message sent out to the commoner.
 Simultaneously, cosmopolitan leaders resided in their bubble where the world was progressing and more modern than ever, hence, it is more liberal than ever. What the failed to gauge was the affect of fear on the minds of the people . The media depicted a monstrous image of the east and ISIS and al Qaeda did nothing but legitimize it . When it felt as if everyone was the same page and left wing ideologies were the guiding principles of the liberal world, Donald J. Trump won.
Pop! burst the bubble of liberalism that the world so comfortably resided in. Most were shocked at the hypocrisy of America- the most liberal country in the world. In fact  what they demonstrated was not stupidity nor ignorance but a want for change. Liberal leaders had chose to conveniently ignore the silent majority. As they parade around with rainbow flags, the world forgot the simple truth, fear. Perhaps the rise of the right was fueled by the continuous failure of the left. With the Obama administration willing to do little of the growing insecurity at home and Hilary Clinton promising virtually no change to the status quo, the simple nationalist was forced to turn to someone who did. Following the Orlando shooting, hysteria was on the rise and it spread like wildfire among the nation. They needed change, any change,  that gave them a sense of security in a time when people felt more vulnerable than ever. While Hilary played it  politically correct and continued to assume that the world was inherently liberal and that there was a principle difference between the radicals and them. That’s why she lost. She ignored the fact that radical behaviors bring out radial reactions. I don't condone extremism from either side,  but the truth is the world is gripped tightly in it.

On Its necessary to point out that most of their supporters aren't hardcore racist or white supremist. In fact  they're just simpleminded people who got caught in this war. While liberals championed human rights and equality, right wing ideologies such as big government policies, fundamentalism and nationalism grew dramatically. Seen in the case of the Brexit where immigrants were blamed for taking away jobs of the common white man and subsequently, the majority voted to opt out of the EU to gain control over immigration policies. People had chosen to side with the radicals because it’s the one that promised the biggest change. It was criminal on part of the left wing to blindside the majority and its growing fear. Their sentiments were never taken into account because they weren’t politically correct. One could argue that this was just a knee-jerk reaction to extremism. The people believed it would invade their homes so they decided to close their doors. While governments tried to distinguish themselves from the extremist, radical thought bred in their homes. In my opinion, it was inevitable.

That fear so morphed into a tool to push for anti globalization policies by leaders such as trump and Farage. It was wielded as a weapon against all notions of cosmopolitanism and liberal politics. It was used to justify turning away refugees, for testing missiles and even for bombing thousands of civilians in the middle east and Afghanistan. Subsequently a global trend towards radical ideologies began to catch on and leftist ideals which ruled most of the 1900s were abandoned in a wisp. The USA eventually joined clique of right wing politics by electing Donald trump as the leader of the country that was the fountainhead of liberal thought.

It is also true that the perpetrators of the liberalism were the reason for its fall as well. The idea was great, it was promising and delightful to the common eye but the realities of the ideal were left unquestioned and unchallenged, almost as  to preserve something that was so precious one had to forgive it flaws. So they forged the ideology and begun to implement it until its practical implications tore open the façade that was so delicately crafted. In truth, the world was never liberal. It was always dominated by conservative leaders and countries which had only just begun to transition into liberal democracies. However, the impatience of the left wing politicians sought to impose liberalism. Pakistan ,India, Bangladesh are just few examples.  They neglected the entire process of becoming liberal and pressured governments to apply liberal policies or risk isolation. The UN, EU, World Bank, World Trade Organization were tools to needed to actualize the pressure. Alas, the third world joined the liberal revolution but was stricken with the grave complexity of having a  conservative populous with a liberal policies. Conservative parties were formed in an outrage and in order  to ‘protect’ their identity the populous chose the most converse leaders. Enter Imran khan, Modi, haseena Wajid to the scenario with a fresh wave of nationalism and radicalism.

What’s surprising is that the world learned nothing from the fall of the British empire. The colonies had revolted indeed because English culture and ideas for perceived as a threat by the locals. It was seen as an attack on their religion  culture and ideology and hence, the British faced a massive uprising in all of the colonies especially in the subcontinent. The British empire was the original attempt at globalization and a somewhat liberal world but it was rejected and torn apart as the colonies claimed independence. What is happening  now resembles it in many ways. The liberals of the west tried to impose a system if political thought on the nations which were not ready to embrace it. As a result  nations started to gravitate towards its antithesis: radicalism
.
In the end we are all trapped in between  fundamentalist, who both use the same tactics to achieve the same goals.  For now, it seems, the world has spoken, named its choice as far as political approach goes. While we were all told the liberalism is the only way forward, it seems that the world has chosen to take a different coarse of action. In my opinion the flaw is not in liberal thought itself but its implementation in the context of current world scenarios. It remains a possibility but for another day.

On The Edge Of Life

Tell me what its like to live on the edge of the life?
To live in the nothingness that resides between life and death?
What its like to cling to life as if slip from from your grip silk?
As the memories of life run further and further away.

Those liquid memories that escape from my eyes,
enough to fill my glass over and over,
and i'll keep drinking them just to feel them escape me again.
I hold on, hold on,
silent.

Im out of memories to cry over,
out of happiness.
I must embrace what is my life
but is it truly life?
Wasn't life the joy when i held my duaghter for the time?
Wasn't it the laugh of my wife?
Wasn't it pride in my eyes when my daughter learned to walk?
Wasn't it the kisses i shared with my wife?
Wasn't it the bedtime stories my daughter listened?

But they're gone now.

So is life the pain i felt when i held my little angel's bleeding body?
Is it the misery of seeing your soulmate surrender to death beside you?
Is it dread of burying your life with your hands?
Is it the horror of reliving their death every day?
Is it the attempt to bandage your wounds that you know won't heel?
Is it pain in your heart that keeps getting bigger untill you fear it might engulf you ?
Or is the constant longong that occupies your heart and mind ?

For if they were my life,
and i lost them
But did i loose myself too?
Am i dying in life
or
living though death

I can't tell the difference anymore

and once again i feet their presecce,
i feel her footsteps ,
 i hear her laugh.
I yearn to turn around and hug them
but in my heart i knew they're mere ghost of the past,
ghost of what life had been,
here to taunt my existance.

Did i truly deserve to live?
Was i that good ?
Or did i deserve to see them die?
I am i that bad?

Am i not to balme for their deaths ?
For it was i who took them to wagha border in the first place.
Her fourth birthday it was,
Her deathday it was.
It marked the death of my own life,
it marked the birth of my existance.
For i do not live , nor do i die,
i live somewhere in between,
i live inside my world of sorrow.
Secluded,
alone.
Where i deserve to be.

For it is easy to die,
 then to survive.

And that is what i do
survive
push the egdes of life and death just one more inch apart,
make space for myself,
to avoid being crushed,
fading into non-existance as the edges meet.

And if any of you desire the answer to living on the very edge of life
come find me,
seek me in nothingness that seperates me from my family.
Look for me,
in my own universe of sorrow where i reside,
you'll find me.
And if any of you wish to live in this world with me
be my guest
it's getting lonely.

A/N: I wrote this poem for my school paper originally. It was a written as a reminder of the wagha border attack of 2014.

It Didn't Happen

You promised me,
i know you did
of thngs that are better, brighter.
I know you know this-
its pretty clear-
you've failed me again,
why do i even care?

I knew this would happen-
as always-
you can decieve the world,
but not yourself.
I'm not,
i never was,
i never will be
what i hope to be
what i want to be.
it is as simple.

I reached for the galaxies above
when i knew i was too short.
Maybe i wasn't loud enough,
should've screamed my prayers.
For if what is dead cannot reawaken,
what was never alive can't be created.

So, i guess i'll just live with it-
with myself.
After all,
if i wrote my story
it wouldnt be very long
infact, just this phrase would suffice:
 "It Didn't Happen".