On The Edge Of Life

Tell me what its like to live on the edge of the life?
To live in the nothingness that resides between life and death?
What its like to cling to life as if slip from from your grip silk?
As the memories of life run further and further away.

Those liquid memories that escape from my eyes,
enough to fill my glass over and over,
and i'll keep drinking them just to feel them escape me again.
I hold on, hold on,
silent.

Im out of memories to cry over,
out of happiness.
I must embrace what is my life
but is it truly life?
Wasn't life the joy when i held my duaghter for the time?
Wasn't it the laugh of my wife?
Wasn't it pride in my eyes when my daughter learned to walk?
Wasn't it the kisses i shared with my wife?
Wasn't it the bedtime stories my daughter listened?

But they're gone now.

So is life the pain i felt when i held my little angel's bleeding body?
Is it the misery of seeing your soulmate surrender to death beside you?
Is it dread of burying your life with your hands?
Is it the horror of reliving their death every day?
Is it the attempt to bandage your wounds that you know won't heel?
Is it pain in your heart that keeps getting bigger untill you fear it might engulf you ?
Or is the constant longong that occupies your heart and mind ?

For if they were my life,
and i lost them
But did i loose myself too?
Am i dying in life
or
living though death

I can't tell the difference anymore

and once again i feet their presecce,
i feel her footsteps ,
 i hear her laugh.
I yearn to turn around and hug them
but in my heart i knew they're mere ghost of the past,
ghost of what life had been,
here to taunt my existance.

Did i truly deserve to live?
Was i that good ?
Or did i deserve to see them die?
I am i that bad?

Am i not to balme for their deaths ?
For it was i who took them to wagha border in the first place.
Her fourth birthday it was,
Her deathday it was.
It marked the death of my own life,
it marked the birth of my existance.
For i do not live , nor do i die,
i live somewhere in between,
i live inside my world of sorrow.
Secluded,
alone.
Where i deserve to be.

For it is easy to die,
 then to survive.

And that is what i do
survive
push the egdes of life and death just one more inch apart,
make space for myself,
to avoid being crushed,
fading into non-existance as the edges meet.

And if any of you desire the answer to living on the very edge of life
come find me,
seek me in nothingness that seperates me from my family.
Look for me,
in my own universe of sorrow where i reside,
you'll find me.
And if any of you wish to live in this world with me
be my guest
it's getting lonely.

A/N: I wrote this poem for my school paper originally. It was a written as a reminder of the wagha border attack of 2014.

It Didn't Happen

You promised me,
i know you did
of thngs that are better, brighter.
I know you know this-
its pretty clear-
you've failed me again,
why do i even care?

I knew this would happen-
as always-
you can decieve the world,
but not yourself.
I'm not,
i never was,
i never will be
what i hope to be
what i want to be.
it is as simple.

I reached for the galaxies above
when i knew i was too short.
Maybe i wasn't loud enough,
should've screamed my prayers.
For if what is dead cannot reawaken,
what was never alive can't be created.

So, i guess i'll just live with it-
with myself.
After all,
if i wrote my story
it wouldnt be very long
infact, just this phrase would suffice:
 "It Didn't Happen". 

An isolated discovery

Darling I've felt the moon smile
I have seen the trees dance
Heard the sea sing
Heard the mountains roar

For i have searched places
Deep, dark,dangerous
For you
Your love, your smile

Alas, all i found was a fleeting whisper,
The silent plea
That the sea makes to the shore
To let it stay
That the trees make to the ground
To let them go
That the moon makes to the earth
To let it collide.

Darling I've waited and watched
As the sand fell
But you were never to come
Always distant,  disguised.

My mirror remains devoid
Of your reflection
Only me....
Always me.

So maybe i am what i seek
But fail to find
My own absence caused my demise

I stared into my reflection
But Never into my soul
How can i find something
Which was lost within?

Silent suicide

A life for death
Dying to live
Dying to die
Was i ever living?
Or was i just dying
Slowly painlessly dying?

For life is to live
And to die for life
And die to live
Isn't a life at all

It is death
In all it's stillness
It is death
It is longing and desire
But never reality
Just a hopeless fantasy of the mind
As one lies in his self made coffin

I died the day i was dying to live
To feel again
To love and heal
A life for death.

Paint me blue

Paint me like the sunset
Blue, yellow and purple
Draw me like the mountains
High, mighty and glorious
Sketch those deep ravines
Of the sorrows of my heart
Paint the fields so green
Like all my fruitless desires

Paint me like the earth
Its beauty concealing whats within
My monstrous nature
My destructive breath
Etch upon me the beauty
That i can never understand
I might look like nature
In reality,  I'm everything but

The predator to the prey
Killer to the victim
How delusional of me
To even try to embrace it
For what is miserable
Can't make something beautiful
Im like the knife
Murdering its innocent vitcim

Im the carcass of creation
The meat desperately clinging
To the decaying bones
Of what used to be
A beautiful heart once
Alive like the earth itself

Now i finally dive into the earth
Lie within the destruction i caused
Finally i become one with it
And i realize
The earth was never mine to endorse
I was the earth’s to endure